I have been a journal writer for a long time. I don't necessarily write often, but sometimes I just get this itch, usually when I am having a tuff time or going through something particularly hard. Mostly it just helps me get through it. It's my therapy. I think I also do it because I want to make sure I remember my story, and I hope to share that story one day with my children. I've never even considered starting a blog until recently. I was scared to share my struggles with the world. They would then be real.
I have been reading three blogs lately, all witten by people I honestly don't know that well. One of which I have never actually met or even talked to. But they all have inspired me to write my story, and share it with anyone who wants to read it. Maybe then I can help someone, like they have helped me.
Today is my first day taking Clomiphene. It is a medicine that helps females get pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years. To be completely honest we haven't been preventing it for over five years. The more time that goes by the scarier it is to me, so I like to think the first two years don't count. We weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant the first two years but we were not preventing it either. Honestly looking back on it I am really glad we didn't. Not because we couldn't have done it or wouldn't have been ecstatic about it, but because we wouldn't be as close as we are today. Some of that has to do simply with time, but both directly and indirectly I believe a lot of it has to do with our struggle to become parents.
Both of us have always wanted to raise children. He has always wanted his own, especially a boy to coach and teach sports to. I, myself have always known I would do anything I could to adopt. I have told this to my friends since before I can even remember. Part of me thinks I have always felt this way for a reason. Maybe I can't have children, and that's why I have always known that it was my calling to adopt a child. My husband has grown a lot to the idea of adoption, especially since we have been struggling to have a child of our own. At one point in my life I would have told you I was never going to have a child of my own. The thought of something growing inside of me, having only me to keep such a miracle safe and healthy without having full control, or any control at all really, scares the crap out of me. I won't even get started on my fear of actually giving birth. Yikes! I now am not against having a child of my own, even though it has always been my biggest fear. Actually I now want to not only be able to give this wonderful gift to my husband and to fufill my own wish of becoming a mother, but to be able to take part of the amazing journey of parenthood with my best friend. It might sound cheesy but it was love that changed my opinion on all this.
I have always thought pregnant women are absolutely gorgeous! Honestly I think I would be really cute pregnant too. Even though I have not always necessarily wanted my own, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have never been more sure about anything. I know I am meant to be a mom, whether they are from my blood or not. I know Jeff would make an amazing Dad. He is already a fantastic husband, a great coach, and a wonderful uncle and godfather. I love the thought of making our dream of being parents come true. If only I could control it.
I know there is a lot I am not going to be able to control once we become parents but it kills me not to be able to simply choose to become parents like so many others can. Even harder is seeing the people that never wanted or didn't want children at all, be parents. I'm not saying they are not good parents and I am sure in a lot of cases the child is a hidden blessing but it is still hard just the same. Some of it is just pure jealously. I mean the grass IS always greener on the other side. A lot of it is just my hatred of the unfairness in life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and someday I will look back at this and be grateful for it all but for right now I am just stuck with the deep, overpowering yearning to have a baby, both for my husband and for me.
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