Patience

I’m sure you all are just dying to know what happen at my doctor’s appointment on Friday…

Over all it went really well. I still hadn’t started my period by the time of my appointment so the first thing they wanted to do is take a urine pregnancy test. It came back negative. Of course my heart dropped. Even though I tried to hide it I’m sure my doctor saw my disappointment in my eyes, because right after he told me it could still be too early to detect the pregnancy hormone. It didn’t help that the test was taken in the afternoon and it is better to take them first thing in the morning. He also informed me that since one of the medications I was taking was to help induce a period it was more likely that Monday (today) was closer to the day that I would start my new cycle if not pregnant. However he was extremely happy that I had got a positive ovulation test. I asked him if there was any way I could get a false positive because of the medicine. No. That is a relief, which means it is most likely the medicine did work in the very first month. This is great news and it made me more hopeful.

Since the pregnancy test was negative he did a vaginal ultra sound to make sure that cysts were not forming in my ovaries. He took pictures of my uterus and ovaries and luckily no big cysts! There are a bunch of little ones but that is normal. He did say that the lining of my uterus was a little thicker than normal, a good sign of being pregnant, but also could just be because I wasn’t ovulating for so long. Now all I can do is wait. I still haven’t started my period but have been cramping on and off since Thursday, each day feeling more and more like normal cramps and happening more and more often. Even though I try to be positive it’s hard. It’s easier to think that I will start any day and we will try again next month like so many times before. That way I can prep myself for the disappointment before it actually happens. It doesn’t break my heart as much then. I know I say this a lot and for how many times I have gone through this you would think I would learn and it would be different, but if you have ever wanted something as bad as we want a baby you would know exactly what this is like, especially when you can’t do anything about it.

I know one day our time will come, and we are learning the really hard lesson of patience, but I’m done with it. I have learned a lot and know that when we finally do get pregnant and have a child we will cherish every part of the experience even more. I get it, and even though the thought still scares me to death, I promise I will embrace every second of it all, even if I don’t like it. We still have to wait another 9 months even after we find out were expecting so please just let us start the process soon. We want the end reward now more than ever, our beautiful baby.

For now we have no choice but to continue to wait…

Exposed

Even though there are a lot of heart breaks and small hiccups in the past I have not covered in detail over all, you are all up to date with our story. I honestly didn’t really know where to go from there.  I wasn’t sure if all my emotions and thoughts of my day to day life now were worth sharing. I could let you all know of the small details here and there but I also haven’t decided how much details and how soon I was going to share them. It has helped a lot to put my story out there. Mostly I have had a lot more support and I have really appreciated people that have reached out to tell me their own infertility stories.  Honestly it has really given me a lot more hope than I had before. I had never lost all hope but over the years it had diminished greatly. All of the people who have reached out and told me their stories in one way or another have been blessed with beautiful kids and wonderful families. Now I am even more excited to (hopefully soon) reach the happy beginning to our parenthood journey too.  

It was easier to share the past since it already had happened and even though we are not even close to the end of our story all those details were about what we had already gone through. Now I have come to the bridge of deciding to keep our blog up to date on all the details of our current obstacles. I know I have nothing but love and support from all the people that read the blog, but then again everyone will know everything as it is happening, when it is happening. In a way it makes me feel so exposed. What if people started asking questions I wasn’t ready to answer? (Even though if I am personally asked I would happily share)  But that is only a couple people knowing not the whole world. I also hadn’t decided how soon I should share everything. If I kept everyone up to date, you would know when I would be finding out if I am or are not pregnant and naturally would be sitting on the edge of your seat, wanting and having to know.  I would feel that way at least, after all blogs are just windows into someone’s personal life written for their love ones, friends and sometimes strangers to be a part of. I know I am in no way a professional writer but I hope my story is like a book you just want to keep reading and can’t put down. (Ok you can defiantly laugh here)  A lot of people think (and some doctors advise) you shouldn’t tell people you’re pregnant right away, especially with your first. There is too high of a chance you could lose the baby. Than there can be even more heart ache when having to tell people you miscarried. That is very true, and even though part of me thinks that if I told everyone right away it might jinx it, at the same time I know I would share that heartache with everyone afterwards if it happened anyway. Plus I know that, god forbid, it did happened I would need all the support I could get! The more I thought about it the more I kept going back to the reason I wanted to start this blog in the first place. To help others that might be going through the same thing, and to know that I am not alone and we don’t have to go through this by ourselves. So with that said our blog readers will now get all the details…

The medication I am on has made me feel so irritated. Generally I am a pretty easy going person and even though I swear I have the worst luck ever, I usually shake all the little stuff off. Even though the medicine was only 5 pills I have to take during certain days of my cycle, I can sure feel the effects long after. Now it is the little stuff that bugs me the most. Sometimes I just want to pull out my hair! Poor Jeff having to put up with all my moodiness, he has been so good and supportive listening to all my rants and raves. Through all this of course Jeff has been my rock. It has helped so much that during this last month when I feel like I am at the end of my rope and my whole world is crashing down (which is nothing but a pure exaggeration, but that is how it feels) he has wrapped his arms around me as I remember to just take a deep breath. I swear it’s only him, and the thought of the end result of a baby, that is keeping me sane through all of this.

After taking the medication during the first part of April I have finally had my first official positive ovulation test ever. It actually happened on my birthday. Now if that is not good luck I don’t know what is. Jeff and I did our part by preforming the baby dance (thank you for the wording Sherrie), don’t worry I will leave out all of those detailsJ. Seriously it was later that night that I started cramping, and continued to feel them for about 4-5 days after. I know they say that is good and it is very common but they just felt like the craps you get right before you begin that time of the month. It both scared me and got me excited. Honestly I haven’t let myself get that excited because I am just too afraid I will get disappointed like every other time. I know this time is different because it’s the first time I have taken medication to help but that still doesn’t mean it will happen in the first month. Actually chances are it will not. I want to think positive and know that it will work but if it doesn’t it will just hurt too much.  It’s easier to hope but just say neutral about the whole thing that way I’m not too depressed if it doesn’t happen and I don’t beat myself up as much. Trust me, it is easier said than done. I have pretty much mastered the not getting too excited thing but the not beating myself up about it still needs some work. I have had some other small signs as well but again this could be my body playing tricks on me like it has so many times before.

I have not drank at all since that little smiley face appeared on my ovulation test, not that I really drank much before anyway but just in case it might help I have avoided it completely. I also have been better about taking my vitamins, drinking more fluids as well as the hardest thing of all, limiting myself to one coffee a day. I’m not sure if it really will, but if any of these things might help at all I will do them happily! Now all I can do is wait, this is always the hardest part. However I have done my best, what other choice do I have, and luckily I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday. I hate these and love them at the same time. I love them because I get a lot of helpful information, and reassurance that we have many other options and there is no need to worry yet. I hate them because it makes me realize how much I really do not have control, it could take one month to get pregnant or we could never end up having a baby of their own. There never really are any solid answers. I have decided not to take a pregnancy test before my appointment. I figure if I haven’t started by then (I haven’t yet) what more accurate test is there then a blood test you take at the doctors? Honestly now that I think about it I don’t know if they will even do that because they already have to do an ultra sound to make sure the medicine isn’t causing any big cysts in my ovaries. Again only time will tell, and I’m not letting myself to get too excited but that doesn’t stop you from doing so.  

I do want you to know that if you have any questions or want to talk to me about this, I am more than willing to share and be open about it to anyone that wants or cares to know.  Feel free to message, call or text as well as have a good ole fashion face to face conversation with me about this. If there is anything you would like me to write about or give you more information on please let me know, I am new at this blogging thing so I am open to all suggestions.

Positive Thinking

Since Jeff and I have had a lot more time to think and research all of options we have come to one big decision. Not that it matters yet, and I hope it never comes to this but we will not do IVF.  For some people this is a great option and I am not trying to say that it is a bad decision by any means it is just not for us. We (mostly me) have decided that this is where we draw the line of us having our own children. I am not against IVF, but for us it’s just not worth it. Maybe it directly relates to my desire to adopt a child but if it comes down to it that is where we would spend our money.

If we were wealthy and money wasn’t an issue maybe our decision would be different. I just don’t see the point in spending so much money (a lot of times much more than what adoption cost) without even the guarantee of ending up with a child at the end of it. Especially because of how strongly I feel about adoption I really don’t see how this is practical. We both want to be parents so bad that ultimately this means way more to us then having our own. Even if we end up with our own children I hope that one day we are still able to adopt.    

More than anything I just want this medication to work. I know I should not be this hopeful with how many times I have had my heart broken month after month but I am. I try and try not to get all worked up but I can’t help it. They say you just know when you are pregnant but for me at least this is not true. I have ‘known’ I was pregnant at least a dozen times all of which of course was not true. I’ve been told your body can actually mimic the signs of pregnancy. This usually happens to women who want to have a baby so bad that their mind actually tricks their body into thinking it’s pregnant. It has happened to me multiple times. Each time I wait longer and longer to take a test, and yet every time I cave in and take a pregnancy test, I see that it is negative and I start my cycle within 24 hours. Maybe once I am pregnant I will see that this was all a trick and you really do just know but until that happens I just can’t trust my body. I am hoping that even if I am just setting myself up for heart break, that my positive thinking and hopefulness will help me get pregnant that much quicker. I guess only time will tell…   

The Big Question

People ask Jeff and I all the time “so when are you guys going to have kids?”  This, in our case, is a question that is not so easily answered. At first we always responded with a laugh followed by a “never”, jokingly blowing off their question. I tend to mask my pain with humor. I do it all the time; it helps me cope with things. I also didn’t want to state the fact that we had not been preventing it for a while before we even started getting this question. That would then, in my mind, actually make it a problem and I wasn’t ready to deal with that yet. It also makes people feel uncomfortable. I don’t want someone to feel bad about asking us that unknowing how much trouble we were having getting pregnant, it’s not their fault. For us it wasn’t as simple as choosing when we were ready to start a family, we had already done that long ago, it is so much more complicated than that. We still get this question all the time now our answer is “When it happens”.

Not long after our first anniversary I was at a doctor’s appointment and I mentioned my concerns about us not getting pregnant. She was not my normal doctor and was a fill in that moved around from place to place. She suggested having my hormone levels tested along with a couple other blood tests as a place to start. She also suggested since we had been trying for over a year we should go see a fertility specialist. I was informed by her that day that unfortunately The Everett Clinic did not have someone who specialized in this so we would have to go somewhere else. This we found out many months later was not true. We waited a week or so for my blood test results to come back. For me that week was excruciatingly long, waiting was hard and of course my mind ran wild with ideas of what could be wrong and what would happen. Luckily, just over a week later in the mail came my results. Everything looks good, my hormone levels are normal. I was relieved that at least that was not an issue, but even though it was good news I was still disappointed. I know there are a lot of other things that could be wrong and I shouldn’t expect them to find out what it is on the first try but I didn’t feel any closer to the big question. What IS wrong?  

After that I decided before they did any more tests on me I wanted Jeff to get tested. I figured there can probably be a close to a million different things wrong with me, with Jeff there could only be one.  This is easier said than done. Getting Jeff to go to the doctor is hard enough, getting him to make a doctor’s appointment for something that is not causing him pain or discomfort is near impossible.  I was good because even though I wanted to nag him every day about making an appointment I didn’t. As I predicted it took him months and months to do this, even then his main reason for going to the doctor was for something else entirely.  We got some information from his doctor and once again had to go outside of the Everett Clinic to have this test done. Luckily Stevens Hospital (now Swedish) is right up the road from our house and they offer a sperm count test. I will spare you all the details, but after Jeff got tested he had to go back to his doctor for the results. His doctor informed him that his sperm count was extremely low but since he was not a specialist, he couldn’t explain much more to us. He then suggested we take his results to a fertility specialist and they would be able to give us more information. This was hard on Jeff since he was the one who really wanted his own kids. Honestly I was slightly relieved at first thinking I didn’t want to be the one to not be able to give such an amazing gift to my husband. After all I am more than ok with just adopting, my dream is be a mother it makes no difference to me whether they are from my blood or not. Jeff was the one who really wanted children of his own, and I was more than willing to do this for him, but if he was the one who was not able to do this it would not be as heartbreaking, well for me at least. It wasn’t until I realized our options severely diminished when it comes to the problem being the guy that I started to really feel horrible about our situation. My heart broke for Jeff; I knew how bad he wanted his own children.  We just needed more information; I needed to know what the percentage of chance was that we could have children on our own, if we could do anything to help it and really just what our options were.

A couple more months passed and on the little spare time I had I went into research mode. Mostly I just researched about specialist in the area, how much they cost, adoption, how much that cost and all the options in between. Of course our insurance does not cover anything for infertility specialist or treatment.  Jeff and I are not rich but we make a decent amount, certainly enough to be able to support ourselves and a child but once I realized how much all this could cost us it scared the crap out of me. Maybe we will end up being a couple who just never has children. It’s crazy how much it can cost to get help making a baby, or adopting one. Then after you pay for all of that, you have to come up with all the extra money that is needed just too simply raise the baby. Realistically, unless we win the lottery, which I fully plan on doing, our options were quickly diminishing.

Finally a ray of hope came to us when I questioned one of my old friends who had also had a hard time getting pregnant about her doctor. She and her husband had just been blessed with a child maybe he could help us too. She informed me that not only did he specialize in infertility but he also worked for the Everett clinic!!! This meant that or insurance would at least cover some of the cost if not a big chunk of it! I was ecstatic!!  Of course because nothing ever goes easily for me it took me two weeks of just back and forth phone tag to even make an appointment. During the process finding out that I had been referred almost a year earlier by the doctor I had seen who told me Everett Clinic did not have a specialist. I guess she found out that they did but no one informed me of this. At that point I really did not care, I was just so happy that we could finally, maybe get some answers.   

Before or appointment we received a packet in the mail that included a 3 pages of questions. Most of which had to do with me and my cycle. I had never my entire life had a regular cycle. My period sometimes comes every two weeks and sometimes there is 7 weeks in between them.  I never really know when my most fertile days are or when I ovulate.  Even the many ovulation kits I used were not able to tell me this. That’s why I had always assumed that the problem was me.

The day of our appointment slowly came, and I was really nervous. I mean what if they told us because of Jeff’s test results we had very little to no chance of having a baby.  At the same time at least then we would know and we could go from there. After the doctor came he asked us some general questions about how long we had been trying and what my cycles were like. He became slightly concerned when I told him how sporadic mine were. Getting pregnant is pretty much all about timing, we needed to find out when I am actually ovulating. I then asked him about Jeff’s test results, I mean it doesn’t matter when I release an egg if he doesn’t have the sperm to fertilize it. It was then that he informed us Jeff’s sperm count “was spectacular” and he actually was above average. The test results were typed in an unusual format which made it harder for someone who didn’t know any better how to read it. This is why the original doctor had given us the complete opposite information.  Needless to say Jeff was extremely happy. There was a lot more options when it came to helping any problems that I might have. As the appointment went on he informed us that I have a fairly common issue with women of irregular ovulation. Considering how long we have been trying he believes I could be ovulating as little as once or twice a year. What the heck?!? Why am I having all these periods if I am only releasing an egg one out of 7 times? Stupid body. He prescribed me two medications, one of which to insure I’m ovulating. This is our first month on it so we will see what happens.

It’s really hard to know that I am the one causing all of this. I know it’s harder to get pregnant when you stress but how am I supposed to do that? Everything is my fault, and it is me who controls the fate of us having a baby. I know I should be happy that we at least have some answers and I am but it still hurts. All we can do now is hope it works and try not to stress about it. How am I ever going to be able to do that?

A Silent Struggle

Only a handful people have known how long Jeff and I have been trying to have a baby. This is usually not something you announce to the world until you are expecting. I was never really planning on telling more than the few people who already knew.  The more I thought about it the more I realized I needed to share our story. Not to get sympathy, compassion or even support, even though these things are wonderful in someone’s time of need. The only reason I want to do it at all is for the small chance, that we can give someone else who is struggling with infertility one of the most precious things you can give. HOPE. Maybe Jeff and I will one day be blessed with a child of our own and maybe we won’t. But no matter how many different scenarios’ I come up with in my head, in my heart I know that one day, somehow we will be parents.

For the first two years I was ok with the fact that we weren’t getting pregnant. It was before our wedding and we weren’t really trying anyway. I can’t fully explain why we were not preventing it from happening. A lot of you probably think we are crazy and part of me thinks we were too.  Even though we were taking a big risk, I think I knew it wouldn’t happen.  We both knew we wanted children.  I had found the person I wanted to be my partner in building a family with and he had found the girl he wanted to be the mother of his children. That’s all that mattered. We knew we were going to do this one day anyway, why not let nature decide when it happened. We were not necessarily ready to become parents then, but is anyone ever really 100% ready? I mean we all have heard and in some cases watched hundreds of story’s where people were not planning on having a baby but did. A lot of them becoming great parents if they could do it so could we. I mean we had one thing up on a lot of them. We already had each other.

It was after we got married and actually started trying, that I slowly started getting worried. At first I started writing it off, thinking it’s probably better that it didn’t happen this month, we have this coming up or that, that we want to do.  Then before we knew it, slowly the days starting turning into months and quickly the months started turning into years.  After about six months to a year it started to really affect me. Each month that passed brought on a flood of tears and heartache.  Each time with Jeff being my rock telling me everything will work out, that it will happen when it’s time. Our time will come… one day.

One day at a time...

I have been a journal writer for a long time. I don't necessarily write often, but sometimes I just get this itch, usually when I am having a tuff time or going through something particularly hard. Mostly it just helps me get through it. It's my therapy. I think I also do it because I want to make sure I remember my story, and I hope to share that story one day with my children. I've never even considered starting a blog until recently. I was scared to share my struggles with the world. They would then be real.

I have been reading three blogs lately, all witten by people I honestly don't know that well. One of which I have never actually met or even talked to. But they all have inspired me to write my story, and share it with anyone who wants to read it. Maybe then I can help someone, like they have helped me.

Today is my first day taking Clomiphene. It is a medicine that helps females get pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years. To be completely honest we haven't been preventing it for over five years. The more time that goes by the scarier it is to me, so I like to think the first two years don't count. We weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant the first two years but we were not preventing it either. Honestly looking back on it I am really glad we didn't. Not because we couldn't have done it or wouldn't have been ecstatic about it, but because we wouldn't be as close as we are today. Some of that has to do simply with time, but both directly and indirectly I believe a lot of it has to do with our struggle to become parents.

Both of us have always wanted to raise children. He has always wanted his own, especially a boy to coach and teach sports to. I, myself have always known I would do anything I could to adopt. I have told this to my friends since before I can even remember. Part of me thinks I have always felt this way for a reason. Maybe I can't have children, and that's why I have always known that it was my calling to adopt a child. My husband has grown a lot to the idea of adoption, especially since we have been struggling to have a child of our own. At one point in my life I would have told you I was never going to have a child of my own. The thought of something growing inside of me, having only me to keep such a miracle safe and healthy without having full control, or any control at all really, scares the crap out of me. I won't even get started on my fear of actually giving birth. Yikes! I now am not against having a child of my own, even though it has always been my biggest fear. Actually I now want to not only be able to give this wonderful gift to my husband and to fufill my own wish of becoming a mother, but to be able to take part of the amazing journey of parenthood with my best friend.  It might sound cheesy but it was love that changed my opinion on all this.

I have always thought pregnant women are absolutely gorgeous! Honestly I think I would be really cute pregnant too. Even though I have not always necessarily wanted my own, I have always known I wanted to be a mom. I have never been more sure about anything. I know I am meant to be a mom, whether they are from my blood or not. I know Jeff would make an amazing Dad. He is already a fantastic husband, a great coach, and a wonderful uncle and godfather. I love the thought of making our dream of being parents come true. If only I could control it.

I know there is a lot I am not going to be able to control once we become parents but it kills me not to be able to simply choose to become parents like so many others can. Even harder is seeing the people that never wanted or didn't want children at all, be parents. I'm not saying they are not good parents and I am sure in a lot of cases the child is a hidden blessing but it is still hard just the same. Some of it is just pure jealously. I mean the grass IS always greener on the other side. A lot of it is just my hatred of the unfairness in life. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and someday I will look back at this and be grateful for it all but for right now I am just stuck with the deep, overpowering yearning to have a baby, both for my husband and for me.