Exposed

Even though there are a lot of heart breaks and small hiccups in the past I have not covered in detail over all, you are all up to date with our story. I honestly didn’t really know where to go from there.  I wasn’t sure if all my emotions and thoughts of my day to day life now were worth sharing. I could let you all know of the small details here and there but I also haven’t decided how much details and how soon I was going to share them. It has helped a lot to put my story out there. Mostly I have had a lot more support and I have really appreciated people that have reached out to tell me their own infertility stories.  Honestly it has really given me a lot more hope than I had before. I had never lost all hope but over the years it had diminished greatly. All of the people who have reached out and told me their stories in one way or another have been blessed with beautiful kids and wonderful families. Now I am even more excited to (hopefully soon) reach the happy beginning to our parenthood journey too.  

It was easier to share the past since it already had happened and even though we are not even close to the end of our story all those details were about what we had already gone through. Now I have come to the bridge of deciding to keep our blog up to date on all the details of our current obstacles. I know I have nothing but love and support from all the people that read the blog, but then again everyone will know everything as it is happening, when it is happening. In a way it makes me feel so exposed. What if people started asking questions I wasn’t ready to answer? (Even though if I am personally asked I would happily share)  But that is only a couple people knowing not the whole world. I also hadn’t decided how soon I should share everything. If I kept everyone up to date, you would know when I would be finding out if I am or are not pregnant and naturally would be sitting on the edge of your seat, wanting and having to know.  I would feel that way at least, after all blogs are just windows into someone’s personal life written for their love ones, friends and sometimes strangers to be a part of. I know I am in no way a professional writer but I hope my story is like a book you just want to keep reading and can’t put down. (Ok you can defiantly laugh here)  A lot of people think (and some doctors advise) you shouldn’t tell people you’re pregnant right away, especially with your first. There is too high of a chance you could lose the baby. Than there can be even more heart ache when having to tell people you miscarried. That is very true, and even though part of me thinks that if I told everyone right away it might jinx it, at the same time I know I would share that heartache with everyone afterwards if it happened anyway. Plus I know that, god forbid, it did happened I would need all the support I could get! The more I thought about it the more I kept going back to the reason I wanted to start this blog in the first place. To help others that might be going through the same thing, and to know that I am not alone and we don’t have to go through this by ourselves. So with that said our blog readers will now get all the details…

The medication I am on has made me feel so irritated. Generally I am a pretty easy going person and even though I swear I have the worst luck ever, I usually shake all the little stuff off. Even though the medicine was only 5 pills I have to take during certain days of my cycle, I can sure feel the effects long after. Now it is the little stuff that bugs me the most. Sometimes I just want to pull out my hair! Poor Jeff having to put up with all my moodiness, he has been so good and supportive listening to all my rants and raves. Through all this of course Jeff has been my rock. It has helped so much that during this last month when I feel like I am at the end of my rope and my whole world is crashing down (which is nothing but a pure exaggeration, but that is how it feels) he has wrapped his arms around me as I remember to just take a deep breath. I swear it’s only him, and the thought of the end result of a baby, that is keeping me sane through all of this.

After taking the medication during the first part of April I have finally had my first official positive ovulation test ever. It actually happened on my birthday. Now if that is not good luck I don’t know what is. Jeff and I did our part by preforming the baby dance (thank you for the wording Sherrie), don’t worry I will leave out all of those detailsJ. Seriously it was later that night that I started cramping, and continued to feel them for about 4-5 days after. I know they say that is good and it is very common but they just felt like the craps you get right before you begin that time of the month. It both scared me and got me excited. Honestly I haven’t let myself get that excited because I am just too afraid I will get disappointed like every other time. I know this time is different because it’s the first time I have taken medication to help but that still doesn’t mean it will happen in the first month. Actually chances are it will not. I want to think positive and know that it will work but if it doesn’t it will just hurt too much.  It’s easier to hope but just say neutral about the whole thing that way I’m not too depressed if it doesn’t happen and I don’t beat myself up as much. Trust me, it is easier said than done. I have pretty much mastered the not getting too excited thing but the not beating myself up about it still needs some work. I have had some other small signs as well but again this could be my body playing tricks on me like it has so many times before.

I have not drank at all since that little smiley face appeared on my ovulation test, not that I really drank much before anyway but just in case it might help I have avoided it completely. I also have been better about taking my vitamins, drinking more fluids as well as the hardest thing of all, limiting myself to one coffee a day. I’m not sure if it really will, but if any of these things might help at all I will do them happily! Now all I can do is wait, this is always the hardest part. However I have done my best, what other choice do I have, and luckily I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday. I hate these and love them at the same time. I love them because I get a lot of helpful information, and reassurance that we have many other options and there is no need to worry yet. I hate them because it makes me realize how much I really do not have control, it could take one month to get pregnant or we could never end up having a baby of their own. There never really are any solid answers. I have decided not to take a pregnancy test before my appointment. I figure if I haven’t started by then (I haven’t yet) what more accurate test is there then a blood test you take at the doctors? Honestly now that I think about it I don’t know if they will even do that because they already have to do an ultra sound to make sure the medicine isn’t causing any big cysts in my ovaries. Again only time will tell, and I’m not letting myself to get too excited but that doesn’t stop you from doing so.  

I do want you to know that if you have any questions or want to talk to me about this, I am more than willing to share and be open about it to anyone that wants or cares to know.  Feel free to message, call or text as well as have a good ole fashion face to face conversation with me about this. If there is anything you would like me to write about or give you more information on please let me know, I am new at this blogging thing so I am open to all suggestions.