Well it will be another month that we will have to wait.
Round three of Clomid starts tomorrow. Maybe this will be the month, maybe it won’t.
As always the realization that it didn’t work was heart breaking, but better than
last month and many more before it. The day itself was hard but I brushed it
off as much as I could. At this point what other choice do I have? I’m tired of
sorrowing in my self pity. It is not me. I’m usually such an outgoing, happy go
lucky, laid back person. I don’t let a lot of stuff get to me. On the outside I
still try to appear this way, overall I think it’s working and some days I
really do feel like that. There have been a lot more days lately that I have
felt like someone else entirely. I feel so gloomy and sorrowful. I get a lot more irritated with stupid people
especially ones that have children and don’t appreciate how special that is.
Things I used to just laugh at now make me so mad. The worst is how much my
mood changes. Literally when I started writing this post I was fine and generally
pretty happy but now as I continue to write I am fighting off tears. What is
happening to me? I feel like I am sacrificing myself for our dream of having a
baby, a dream that could never be a reality. At this point I’m not ready to
give up yet. I know it seems silly to even have this thought cross my mind but
being a prisoner of my own emotions is exhausting. I hate feeling this way. I
just hold on to the hope that all this sacrifice will pay off and every second
will be worth it when I’m holding our baby in my arms. What if it never happens
will it all be worth it then? I’m not entirely sure I can convince myself it
will be.
Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here. This
is not at all how I pictured my life would go. It’s crazy how much one decision
big or small can have so much effect on the future. Sometimes those moments
matter and change everything and sometimes they don’t. You simply never know. Almost six years ago one small decision to go
to Applebee’s with a certain friend changed my life forever. Even then someone
else had decided to meet a blind date there that very night as well. That
someone else I would later realize was the love of my life, which I had
actually met and had come to my apartment 3 years before that. Had I not been
with that certain friend or decided to eat somewhere else my life could be
amazingly different right now. Maybe the universe would have in some way
brought us together again and maybe not. I like to think that it would have. I’m
glad we had been given another chance to find and realize how much we were meant
to be together. My life is so blessed because
of him. It is only because of him and his love that I am willing and able to
make it through all of this. I love and respect him more than I ever knew was
possible. I know it’s silly and ridiculous
and he has never even slightly made me feel this way, but I just hope he will
never regret having to go through all of this with me. What if I can never have children? What if we
can never come up with the money to adopt? What if because of me we are never
parents? Will he still feel the same way about me? I wish more than anything
that I could just simply make the decision to have this happen. I guess
sometimes it’s more than just a decision you make…
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