One Wish

I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple weeks now and still I’m not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I know my emotions are being put through the ringer right now, something I am really not used to. I am not used to caring so much or having emotions that I do feel affect me to the level they now do. Every feeling that I have now is magnified by 1000. Some good, most bad but they just eat away at me until I feel like I’m going to explode, which now only takes a day or two at most.  It is a big change to the way I usually operate and a total change to the personality I have always had. I am adapting and trying as hard as I can to hang on to what I have always known as simply, me.

Infertility is a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with as you can imagine girls tend to take it a little harder. I’m not saying guys don’t care, because I know they do and most care a lot. There is just something in breaded in us to want to reproduce and for girls it is a deep yearning for the need to become a mother. Obviously not all people have this; you can never really categorize everyone into one mold but for the most part this is how women are. Every woman I have ever known, children or no children, at one point have had that “baby itch.” For women with infertility issues, especially those who want children but don’t have them, Mother’s Day can be extremely hard, usually one the hardest days of the year. I am no exception to this; it is hard, as well as seeing a pregnant woman, a mother with her kids, being invited to a baby shower or many other things that can trigger my random upsetting emotions.  This last Mother’s Day, even with being on this wonderful medication (not), I actually did pretty good. I spent the day surrounded by amazing family and friends and of course what helped the most, my wonderful, incredible husband.

I know you have heard me say it a million times, I want to be a mother so bad, but what I want even more, more than anything I could ever want for myself, I want to be able to help make Jeff a dad. I want to be able to give this gift to him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life! It kills me that I have no ability to just make this happen. Especially when we decided three years ago we were more than ready to start this next journey in our lives. So for me, even harder than dealing with Mother’s Day, is going to be making it through Father’s Day.

 I have a great relationship with both of my parents. My mother and I have a pretty typical mother-daughter relationship. We spend a lot of time together doing mostly girly things, pedicures, cooking, crafts, going to tea, shopping and I can talk to her about anything. Even though I love my mother very much, I have always considered myself a huge daddy’s girl. There is a natural bond that he and I have that I cannot explain. Even though I have much more in common with my mom, naturally being a girl, there is just something about my dad’s and my relationship that cannot be trumped. He and I are so much alike, and a lot of my personality traits I got from him. He understands me, I understand him and I know he will always be completely honest and open with me and he always tells me what I need to hear. When anything has ever happened in my life where I truly feel hurt, alone, or just lost and confused there is no other person I would rather run to then my dad. All he has to do is simply wrap his arms around me and I know that somehow I will make it through. He is my ultimate protector, and no matter how old I am I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. This is the special one of a kind gift I want to give to Jeff. Until then my heart breaks at the thought of him not ever getting to experience that unbreakable bond that a father has with his children. I promise I will never give up trying to help make Jeff a dad, blood or not, in hopes that one day I will be able to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.