Letting Go

I started this blog as a way for me to have an outlet for my feelings and vent about the trials of infertility. Also to help others struggling with the same thing, to let them know that they are not alone. Infertility is real and millions struggle with it daily. However this is no longer the only thing I am going to blog about. I will still talk about it and keep you involved with any and all updates but I will no longer be letting infertility control my life. I am tired of feeling bad for myself and having a negative outlook on a lot of things. I am more than just infertile.  I have a very blessed and active life. I like to laugh and have fun, enjoy everyone around me and see the positive in everything. This is the person that I am determined to be. From now on my blog will contain everything about our life, not just the sucky stuff.

This in no way means we are giving up. We will still be activity trying to conceive, following all of our doctors’ recommendations and most importantly living our life to the fullest. Trying to have a baby is no longer going to be all I think about. I refuse to let it bring me down any longer. It will happen if and when it is supposed to. This is easier said than done I know, and I’m sure at times it will still be hard but I need to just let go. They say when you relax is when it happens anyway right? Yes, I still want a baby just as much as I always have but I also want to enjoy my husband and our life together. I am extremely blessed. I have a great job with a fun and entertaining group of coworkers, an amazing group of friends, the most wonderful supportive family, and the best, most loving husband to share the rest of my life with.

As always I am more than willing to talk and be open with anyone about infertility and my experiences with it. So if you want to know just ask. The only difference is now I will not be focused on it. I get to enjoy my life and have fun again! We are going to soak up and enjoy the child-less life, until we are blessed with something different. We are going travel as much as we can and do whatever we want. I am going to be happy and content with what I have and with the people that are in my life. I am going to celebrate when others are expecting, and have a blast shopping and helping them plan for their new arrival! I am going to love hearing stories and looking at pictures of friends children. I am no longer going to let all this good pass me by.  So here is to letting go and opening the door to freedom from my infertility!

One Wish

I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple weeks now and still I’m not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I know my emotions are being put through the ringer right now, something I am really not used to. I am not used to caring so much or having emotions that I do feel affect me to the level they now do. Every feeling that I have now is magnified by 1000. Some good, most bad but they just eat away at me until I feel like I’m going to explode, which now only takes a day or two at most.  It is a big change to the way I usually operate and a total change to the personality I have always had. I am adapting and trying as hard as I can to hang on to what I have always known as simply, me.

Infertility is a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with as you can imagine girls tend to take it a little harder. I’m not saying guys don’t care, because I know they do and most care a lot. There is just something in breaded in us to want to reproduce and for girls it is a deep yearning for the need to become a mother. Obviously not all people have this; you can never really categorize everyone into one mold but for the most part this is how women are. Every woman I have ever known, children or no children, at one point have had that “baby itch.” For women with infertility issues, especially those who want children but don’t have them, Mother’s Day can be extremely hard, usually one the hardest days of the year. I am no exception to this; it is hard, as well as seeing a pregnant woman, a mother with her kids, being invited to a baby shower or many other things that can trigger my random upsetting emotions.  This last Mother’s Day, even with being on this wonderful medication (not), I actually did pretty good. I spent the day surrounded by amazing family and friends and of course what helped the most, my wonderful, incredible husband.

I know you have heard me say it a million times, I want to be a mother so bad, but what I want even more, more than anything I could ever want for myself, I want to be able to help make Jeff a dad. I want to be able to give this gift to him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life! It kills me that I have no ability to just make this happen. Especially when we decided three years ago we were more than ready to start this next journey in our lives. So for me, even harder than dealing with Mother’s Day, is going to be making it through Father’s Day.

 I have a great relationship with both of my parents. My mother and I have a pretty typical mother-daughter relationship. We spend a lot of time together doing mostly girly things, pedicures, cooking, crafts, going to tea, shopping and I can talk to her about anything. Even though I love my mother very much, I have always considered myself a huge daddy’s girl. There is a natural bond that he and I have that I cannot explain. Even though I have much more in common with my mom, naturally being a girl, there is just something about my dad’s and my relationship that cannot be trumped. He and I are so much alike, and a lot of my personality traits I got from him. He understands me, I understand him and I know he will always be completely honest and open with me and he always tells me what I need to hear. When anything has ever happened in my life where I truly feel hurt, alone, or just lost and confused there is no other person I would rather run to then my dad. All he has to do is simply wrap his arms around me and I know that somehow I will make it through. He is my ultimate protector, and no matter how old I am I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. This is the special one of a kind gift I want to give to Jeff. Until then my heart breaks at the thought of him not ever getting to experience that unbreakable bond that a father has with his children. I promise I will never give up trying to help make Jeff a dad, blood or not, in hopes that one day I will be able to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.

Lucky Number 3

Well it will be another month that we will have to wait. Round three of Clomid starts tomorrow. Maybe this will be the month, maybe it won’t. As always the realization that it didn’t work was heart breaking, but better than last month and many more before it. The day itself was hard but I brushed it off as much as I could. At this point what other choice do I have? I’m tired of sorrowing in my self pity. It is not me. I’m usually such an outgoing, happy go lucky, laid back person. I don’t let a lot of stuff get to me. On the outside I still try to appear this way, overall I think it’s working and some days I really do feel like that. There have been a lot more days lately that I have felt like someone else entirely. I feel so gloomy and sorrowful.  I get a lot more irritated with stupid people especially ones that have children and don’t appreciate how special that is. Things I used to just laugh at now make me so mad. The worst is how much my mood changes. Literally when I started writing this post I was fine and generally pretty happy but now as I continue to write I am fighting off tears. What is happening to me? I feel like I am sacrificing myself for our dream of having a baby, a dream that could never be a reality. At this point I’m not ready to give up yet. I know it seems silly to even have this thought cross my mind but being a prisoner of my own emotions is exhausting. I hate feeling this way. I just hold on to the hope that all this sacrifice will pay off and every second will be worth it when I’m holding our baby in my arms. What if it never happens will it all be worth it then? I’m not entirely sure I can convince myself it will be.

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here. This is not at all how I pictured my life would go. It’s crazy how much one decision big or small can have so much effect on the future. Sometimes those moments matter and change everything and sometimes they don’t. You simply never know.  Almost six years ago one small decision to go to Applebee’s with a certain friend changed my life forever. Even then someone else had decided to meet a blind date there that very night as well. That someone else I would later realize was the love of my life, which I had actually met and had come to my apartment 3 years before that. Had I not been with that certain friend or decided to eat somewhere else my life could be amazingly different right now. Maybe the universe would have in some way brought us together again and maybe not. I like to think that it would have. I’m glad we had been given another chance to find and realize how much we were meant to be together.  My life is so blessed because of him. It is only because of him and his love that I am willing and able to make it through all of this. I love and respect him more than I ever knew was possible.  I know it’s silly and ridiculous and he has never even slightly made me feel this way, but I just hope he will never regret having to go through all of this with me.  What if I can never have children? What if we can never come up with the money to adopt? What if because of me we are never parents? Will he still feel the same way about me? I wish more than anything that I could just simply make the decision to have this happen. I guess sometimes it’s more than just a decision you make…

Today's veiw...

Sung by Anna Nalick

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love