Broken Hearts

I feel like I should write more about the disappointment from last Friday but I really don’t have much to say. I feel like I have already repeated myself again and again. Maybe I haven’t maybe it’s just my emotions that get teased relentlessly over and over month after month. As much as I really try to distance myself from disappointment it still gets me in some way every time. Some months are not as bad as others. This month however I took it a lot harder than I think I ever had, but in the end  I made it through.

I have found a couple setbacks with sharing our story as it unfolds. Not that I will ever stop, don’t worry. I’m not even close to regretting sharing either; it’s just changed something’s that didn’t occur to me before this last week. I know this is absolutely ridiculous and I know none of you feel this way but by me not getting pregnant this month not only do I feel like I let Jeff and myself down but I let all of you down as well. I know I’m crazy and none of this is my fault at all, I have no control over it because if I did let me tell you this story would be a lot different.  At the same time I couldn’t help feeling so sad and upset that I had to let you know that it didn’t work we had to try again. A lot of you haven’t known what has been going on until recently and really this is only our first try with me documenting it and sharing it with everyone and maybe that’s why it hurt a lot more. I have felt all of your support and I know how much some of you are hoping and praying for us. I appreciate it all and don’t want it to stop by any means. I just wasn’t prepared to give out the bad news, to disappoint so many more than just Jeff and I.

As funny as it sounds I also wasn’t prepared for people to feel bad for us. Even though when I read stories like mine it just breaks my heart, I guess with it sadly being almost normal for us now I didn’t think about how this would make others feel. I never intended to share this to get sympathy or for people to feel bad for us, it is almost the complete opposite really. Unfortunately this is a lot of couple’s story. 40% of women have ovulation issues, some more extreme than others but still 40%! That doesn’t even touch other issues woman can have or men’s fertility issues. I think sometimes we hear so many stories of accidental pregnancies, teen pregnancies and people being so fertile that they get pregnant even when using multiple forms of birth control, that we forget how common it is for people to have infertility issues too. I don’t want people to feel bad about announcing that they are expecting to us or inviting me to a baby shower. Yes, I’m not going to lie, it tugs on my heart a little but it makes me so much happier to know that you get that bundle of joy that you wanted too. Why should you not be able to have that just because we currently can’t? It’s not your fault we are having so much problems getting pregnant, you can’t control it any more than I can.  I know it’s hard but it’s ok for anyone to announce this news to us, we will be just fine, I will actually be ecstatic! I love spoiling babies! Bottom line is we love all of you, yes our situation sucks and is hard but it would hurt even more not to be included in such a happy and wonderful time in your life as well. So please don’t feel like you have to worry about that.

Now that I am done with all that, today is day one again taking my next cycle of clomid. I hope my body does not react quite as bad the second time but I have a feeling that won’t be changing. So sorry all in advance for my irritability and my tangents, even though most of them I must say are quite hilarious! I guess it doesn’t hurt to pack on a few more pounds, I just hope I will have the excuse of being pregnant before the full swing of swim suit weather comes around otherwise I will be upset about putting on the extra weight for nothing especially right before the summer.

Here’s to another month…