A Beautiful Dream

All this waiting and more waiting has given me a lot of time to think. I am an over thinker anyway so give me a TON of extra time to think about all of this and I come up with a million different scenarios and ideas in my head. I have thought a lot about all the fun stuff of course. We pretty much have both our boy and girl name picked out. I’m sure we will have some last minute names thrown in there but honestly we have had our girl name picked out for over 3 years and our boy name for a year or so. We had a lot harder time agreeing on a boy name but we also had a lot longer than most to think about it so I think we have a pretty solid idea. I also know how I want to paint and decorate the baby’s room. Luckily whether it’s a boy or a girl I’m pretty sure I want the walls painted the same. It’s really hard for me because I want to start all the preparation now, it would be nice to have the extra time to save and slowly buy and set up everything but at the same time I don’t want to jinx it. I mean realistically there still is the chance that this will never happen for us. I really think and believe that it eventually will but there is no real guarantee. That hasn’t stopped me from buying baby clothes here and there when I find really cute ones on sale that I have to have. I figure even if it never works out for Jeff and I, there will always be people having babies and I’m sure I could find someone to give them to.  I just get too excited about the whole idea of us having a baby together. Every time I pass the baby isles in the store my heart sinks into my stomach. I slow down and look at everything as dream and imagine about the time when we to will get to plan and prepare for our little miracle to arrive. I just hope one day it will no longer be just simply a beautiful dream I have created in my head, but our reality.

Of course I have also seen pregnant women EVERYWHERE. I can’t escape them. It seems like every other woman I see is expecting. A couple weeks ago I was at a burger place with Jeff and some family. No exaggeration in the hour that we were sitting there waiting for our order and eating, 7 noticeably pregnant women walked in. Maybe that particular place was a just a craving concur paradise for pregnant women but seriously seven? It is torture that I deal with daily. Everyone around me is getting pregnant too. I am truly so happy for all of them and even though I try so much not to feel this way, it still makes me so sad. I know it’s horrible and entirely a “why me” pity party that I throw for myself but I can’t help it. As much as I don’t want to feel that way I do. I try to fight it, but it never works.

The worst is when I see pregnant teens. It makes me so mad. I’m not really mad at them either I just get so upset about the injustice of it all. Here they are at the very beginning of their adult life having fun and enjoying themselves when either they just make a really bad decision or it accidently happens, and now they are stuck with a huge lifelong commitment that they were never ready to make. Yet I on the other hand am in an amazing solid marriage and we are both more than ready to make that commitment and nothing. It just feels like the world is slapping me across the face, saying these teens that didn’t ask for it and don’t want it can have that but you who wants it more than anything else in world can’t. These teens are good enough to have children but you are not. I know that is not the case and I know when the time comes we are going to be amazing parents but I just wish the whole situation was so much simpler. I know that is not how the world works, but sometimes I really think it should be. Then again that will always be just another beautiful dream.