One Wish

I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple weeks now and still I’m not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I know my emotions are being put through the ringer right now, something I am really not used to. I am not used to caring so much or having emotions that I do feel affect me to the level they now do. Every feeling that I have now is magnified by 1000. Some good, most bad but they just eat away at me until I feel like I’m going to explode, which now only takes a day or two at most.  It is a big change to the way I usually operate and a total change to the personality I have always had. I am adapting and trying as hard as I can to hang on to what I have always known as simply, me.

Infertility is a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with as you can imagine girls tend to take it a little harder. I’m not saying guys don’t care, because I know they do and most care a lot. There is just something in breaded in us to want to reproduce and for girls it is a deep yearning for the need to become a mother. Obviously not all people have this; you can never really categorize everyone into one mold but for the most part this is how women are. Every woman I have ever known, children or no children, at one point have had that “baby itch.” For women with infertility issues, especially those who want children but don’t have them, Mother’s Day can be extremely hard, usually one the hardest days of the year. I am no exception to this; it is hard, as well as seeing a pregnant woman, a mother with her kids, being invited to a baby shower or many other things that can trigger my random upsetting emotions.  This last Mother’s Day, even with being on this wonderful medication (not), I actually did pretty good. I spent the day surrounded by amazing family and friends and of course what helped the most, my wonderful, incredible husband.

I know you have heard me say it a million times, I want to be a mother so bad, but what I want even more, more than anything I could ever want for myself, I want to be able to help make Jeff a dad. I want to be able to give this gift to him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life! It kills me that I have no ability to just make this happen. Especially when we decided three years ago we were more than ready to start this next journey in our lives. So for me, even harder than dealing with Mother’s Day, is going to be making it through Father’s Day.

 I have a great relationship with both of my parents. My mother and I have a pretty typical mother-daughter relationship. We spend a lot of time together doing mostly girly things, pedicures, cooking, crafts, going to tea, shopping and I can talk to her about anything. Even though I love my mother very much, I have always considered myself a huge daddy’s girl. There is a natural bond that he and I have that I cannot explain. Even though I have much more in common with my mom, naturally being a girl, there is just something about my dad’s and my relationship that cannot be trumped. He and I are so much alike, and a lot of my personality traits I got from him. He understands me, I understand him and I know he will always be completely honest and open with me and he always tells me what I need to hear. When anything has ever happened in my life where I truly feel hurt, alone, or just lost and confused there is no other person I would rather run to then my dad. All he has to do is simply wrap his arms around me and I know that somehow I will make it through. He is my ultimate protector, and no matter how old I am I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. This is the special one of a kind gift I want to give to Jeff. Until then my heart breaks at the thought of him not ever getting to experience that unbreakable bond that a father has with his children. I promise I will never give up trying to help make Jeff a dad, blood or not, in hopes that one day I will be able to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.

Lucky Number 3

Well it will be another month that we will have to wait. Round three of Clomid starts tomorrow. Maybe this will be the month, maybe it won’t. As always the realization that it didn’t work was heart breaking, but better than last month and many more before it. The day itself was hard but I brushed it off as much as I could. At this point what other choice do I have? I’m tired of sorrowing in my self pity. It is not me. I’m usually such an outgoing, happy go lucky, laid back person. I don’t let a lot of stuff get to me. On the outside I still try to appear this way, overall I think it’s working and some days I really do feel like that. There have been a lot more days lately that I have felt like someone else entirely. I feel so gloomy and sorrowful.  I get a lot more irritated with stupid people especially ones that have children and don’t appreciate how special that is. Things I used to just laugh at now make me so mad. The worst is how much my mood changes. Literally when I started writing this post I was fine and generally pretty happy but now as I continue to write I am fighting off tears. What is happening to me? I feel like I am sacrificing myself for our dream of having a baby, a dream that could never be a reality. At this point I’m not ready to give up yet. I know it seems silly to even have this thought cross my mind but being a prisoner of my own emotions is exhausting. I hate feeling this way. I just hold on to the hope that all this sacrifice will pay off and every second will be worth it when I’m holding our baby in my arms. What if it never happens will it all be worth it then? I’m not entirely sure I can convince myself it will be.

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got here. This is not at all how I pictured my life would go. It’s crazy how much one decision big or small can have so much effect on the future. Sometimes those moments matter and change everything and sometimes they don’t. You simply never know.  Almost six years ago one small decision to go to Applebee’s with a certain friend changed my life forever. Even then someone else had decided to meet a blind date there that very night as well. That someone else I would later realize was the love of my life, which I had actually met and had come to my apartment 3 years before that. Had I not been with that certain friend or decided to eat somewhere else my life could be amazingly different right now. Maybe the universe would have in some way brought us together again and maybe not. I like to think that it would have. I’m glad we had been given another chance to find and realize how much we were meant to be together.  My life is so blessed because of him. It is only because of him and his love that I am willing and able to make it through all of this. I love and respect him more than I ever knew was possible.  I know it’s silly and ridiculous and he has never even slightly made me feel this way, but I just hope he will never regret having to go through all of this with me.  What if I can never have children? What if we can never come up with the money to adopt? What if because of me we are never parents? Will he still feel the same way about me? I wish more than anything that I could just simply make the decision to have this happen. I guess sometimes it’s more than just a decision you make…

Today's veiw...

Sung by Anna Nalick

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Reality

What is the world coming to? I have always been a news watcher. I like knowing what’s going around in my community, it makes me feel involved and in touch with my surroundings. Maybe it is just because of the difficulties Jeff and I are having getting pregnant or maybe because the world is truly getting to be a more horrible place but now when I watch the news I just get so pissed off.

I hope it is only in the area that I live in (although I’m pretty sure it is everywhere) but what is wrong with people? It breaks my heart every time I watch the news because I swear every day there is a new story of grown adults being horrible parents and terrible human beings. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh and I know people make mistakes, hell I make them daily, but smoking meth in the same motel room as your 3 year old then leaving them alone for over 4 hours to go gamble at a casino is inexcusable. In my opinion the parents should never get full custody of that child back. This is just one example from yesterday’s news too.  Even more heartbreaking a father in Oregon murdering his wife and two young children, and then committing suicide. At one point those parents had temporarily lost custody of their children, less than a month later getting it back and now they are no longer alive, three lives cut tragically short by the hands of the ones who are supposed to protect and love them the most . What could children ever do to deserve this? Our laws are WAY to lenient on these parents and it needs to be changed, sadly it seems like parents like this are the ones that are reproducing the most. I know it is taking away some freedom but honestly if you do something to permanently lose custody of one of your children, I don’t think you should be allowed to reproduce again. Yes, it is a little harsh but I’m sorry I believe children deserve better.

 I could go on forever about this but sadly that is not even the part that bugs me the most. There are thousands upon thousands of people who would love to be parents and would cherish these children more than anything else in the world but they don’t ever get the opportunity. Part of it is the injustice of the world, horrible people getting blessed with children and honorable people not. That unfortunately we cannot change. We can change the way the adoption system works.  I just don’t understand how legally adopting a child can cost so much.  The average cost of adoption, as reported in the latest Adoptive Families adoption cost survey (2009-2010), was around $30,000 (before the federal tax credit and employee adoption benefits).

Even if you’re lucky and get the max amount you can claim the biggest tax credit you COULD receive is $13,360. In 2013 it is projected to only receive $5000 max as a tax credit. Either way there is a good chance adoption will cost you no less then around $20,000.  

Adoption Tax Credit Amounts

2013: $5,000 or $6,000 for special needs child (projected)

2012: $12,650, non-refundable

2011: $13,360 refundable

2010: $13,170 refundable

This is insane. Even if we dismiss the international adoptions, why are US adoptions this much? The paperwork and court cost on average to legally change over custody of a child from one person(s) to other person(s) *in most cases* is less than $500. Where is the rest of the money going to? I know some of it is medical cost, but unless the birth mother has no insurance (in which case it is covered by the state if giving that child up for adoption) patients with insurance should expect a bill for around $500 – $3000. Even if you add the $3000 cost for medical care and $500 for the legal and court cost, I’ll even throw in an extra $500 for miscellaneous expenses it still only adds up to $4000. This is on the high end too.  We still have $26,000 left. There is also running cost of the adoption agencies, but even if we paid them $6,000 per child which is way more than enough, we still have $20,000 left. I can rant and rave all day and bust out hundreds of facts but honestly what breaks my heart the most is that we are screwing good people out of thousands of dollars every day for what!?! Taking over someone else’s responsibility both financially and physically? They are relieving the state of not having to take care for these children saving thousands of tax dollars. They volunteered to do this, I get it, but in a lot of cases they are doing this because for some reason or another they themselves could not have children of their own. Yet they have to pay $30,000 just to get the child then over a million dollars in the life time of raising that child. These are people doing an extremely good deed for their community and for the world yet they pay the most for it. In my opinion adoption should not ever cost more than the amount it takes to take care of the birth mothers medical bills and the legal fees of switching over custody. People get arrested all the time for trying to sell their children yet the government does it legally (and makes a profit off it) daily.            

A Beautiful Dream

All this waiting and more waiting has given me a lot of time to think. I am an over thinker anyway so give me a TON of extra time to think about all of this and I come up with a million different scenarios and ideas in my head. I have thought a lot about all the fun stuff of course. We pretty much have both our boy and girl name picked out. I’m sure we will have some last minute names thrown in there but honestly we have had our girl name picked out for over 3 years and our boy name for a year or so. We had a lot harder time agreeing on a boy name but we also had a lot longer than most to think about it so I think we have a pretty solid idea. I also know how I want to paint and decorate the baby’s room. Luckily whether it’s a boy or a girl I’m pretty sure I want the walls painted the same. It’s really hard for me because I want to start all the preparation now, it would be nice to have the extra time to save and slowly buy and set up everything but at the same time I don’t want to jinx it. I mean realistically there still is the chance that this will never happen for us. I really think and believe that it eventually will but there is no real guarantee. That hasn’t stopped me from buying baby clothes here and there when I find really cute ones on sale that I have to have. I figure even if it never works out for Jeff and I, there will always be people having babies and I’m sure I could find someone to give them to.  I just get too excited about the whole idea of us having a baby together. Every time I pass the baby isles in the store my heart sinks into my stomach. I slow down and look at everything as dream and imagine about the time when we to will get to plan and prepare for our little miracle to arrive. I just hope one day it will no longer be just simply a beautiful dream I have created in my head, but our reality.

Of course I have also seen pregnant women EVERYWHERE. I can’t escape them. It seems like every other woman I see is expecting. A couple weeks ago I was at a burger place with Jeff and some family. No exaggeration in the hour that we were sitting there waiting for our order and eating, 7 noticeably pregnant women walked in. Maybe that particular place was a just a craving concur paradise for pregnant women but seriously seven? It is torture that I deal with daily. Everyone around me is getting pregnant too. I am truly so happy for all of them and even though I try so much not to feel this way, it still makes me so sad. I know it’s horrible and entirely a “why me” pity party that I throw for myself but I can’t help it. As much as I don’t want to feel that way I do. I try to fight it, but it never works.

The worst is when I see pregnant teens. It makes me so mad. I’m not really mad at them either I just get so upset about the injustice of it all. Here they are at the very beginning of their adult life having fun and enjoying themselves when either they just make a really bad decision or it accidently happens, and now they are stuck with a huge lifelong commitment that they were never ready to make. Yet I on the other hand am in an amazing solid marriage and we are both more than ready to make that commitment and nothing. It just feels like the world is slapping me across the face, saying these teens that didn’t ask for it and don’t want it can have that but you who wants it more than anything else in world can’t. These teens are good enough to have children but you are not. I know that is not the case and I know when the time comes we are going to be amazing parents but I just wish the whole situation was so much simpler. I know that is not how the world works, but sometimes I really think it should be. Then again that will always be just another beautiful dream.   

Broken Hearts

I feel like I should write more about the disappointment from last Friday but I really don’t have much to say. I feel like I have already repeated myself again and again. Maybe I haven’t maybe it’s just my emotions that get teased relentlessly over and over month after month. As much as I really try to distance myself from disappointment it still gets me in some way every time. Some months are not as bad as others. This month however I took it a lot harder than I think I ever had, but in the end  I made it through.

I have found a couple setbacks with sharing our story as it unfolds. Not that I will ever stop, don’t worry. I’m not even close to regretting sharing either; it’s just changed something’s that didn’t occur to me before this last week. I know this is absolutely ridiculous and I know none of you feel this way but by me not getting pregnant this month not only do I feel like I let Jeff and myself down but I let all of you down as well. I know I’m crazy and none of this is my fault at all, I have no control over it because if I did let me tell you this story would be a lot different.  At the same time I couldn’t help feeling so sad and upset that I had to let you know that it didn’t work we had to try again. A lot of you haven’t known what has been going on until recently and really this is only our first try with me documenting it and sharing it with everyone and maybe that’s why it hurt a lot more. I have felt all of your support and I know how much some of you are hoping and praying for us. I appreciate it all and don’t want it to stop by any means. I just wasn’t prepared to give out the bad news, to disappoint so many more than just Jeff and I.

As funny as it sounds I also wasn’t prepared for people to feel bad for us. Even though when I read stories like mine it just breaks my heart, I guess with it sadly being almost normal for us now I didn’t think about how this would make others feel. I never intended to share this to get sympathy or for people to feel bad for us, it is almost the complete opposite really. Unfortunately this is a lot of couple’s story. 40% of women have ovulation issues, some more extreme than others but still 40%! That doesn’t even touch other issues woman can have or men’s fertility issues. I think sometimes we hear so many stories of accidental pregnancies, teen pregnancies and people being so fertile that they get pregnant even when using multiple forms of birth control, that we forget how common it is for people to have infertility issues too. I don’t want people to feel bad about announcing that they are expecting to us or inviting me to a baby shower. Yes, I’m not going to lie, it tugs on my heart a little but it makes me so much happier to know that you get that bundle of joy that you wanted too. Why should you not be able to have that just because we currently can’t? It’s not your fault we are having so much problems getting pregnant, you can’t control it any more than I can.  I know it’s hard but it’s ok for anyone to announce this news to us, we will be just fine, I will actually be ecstatic! I love spoiling babies! Bottom line is we love all of you, yes our situation sucks and is hard but it would hurt even more not to be included in such a happy and wonderful time in your life as well. So please don’t feel like you have to worry about that.

Now that I am done with all that, today is day one again taking my next cycle of clomid. I hope my body does not react quite as bad the second time but I have a feeling that won’t be changing. So sorry all in advance for my irritability and my tangents, even though most of them I must say are quite hilarious! I guess it doesn’t hurt to pack on a few more pounds, I just hope I will have the excuse of being pregnant before the full swing of swim suit weather comes around otherwise I will be upset about putting on the extra weight for nothing especially right before the summer.

Here’s to another month…   

Deceiving Magic

Well once again we are going to have to wait another month, and try again. This is getting really old. I know I shouldn’t be too disappointed because it’s only been one month on the medicine but in the big picture it’s been over 3 years. Of course once again my body did its magic trick. I waited till this morning to take a pregnancy test. Not kidding within 3 hours of seeing that negative test result I started my period. Why does my body insist on doing that? It’s so annoying and a waste of money, pregnancy tests are not that cheap especially with how many I have gone though.  Needless to say I am not feeling good at all today. I am both mentally and physically drained and I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a long time. I also don’t really want to think about it much right now so this is going to be the shortest blog update ever. I just thought some of you would want to know.

Maybe next month…