Trick or Treat

It’s the post everyone has been waiting for…

WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!

Yep, it is true after just over three years of trying to conceive, hundreds of ovulation teats, countless negative pregnancy tests, months on medications and probably a pool full of tears we have finally succeeded in getting pregnant! Even though it has been the hardest challenge I have ever had to go through I wouldn’t change it for the world, ok maybe for a billion dollars.

Picture of our Announcements

What is funny is when it finally did happen I wasn’t taking Clomid at all. I had my normal cycle in Mid-August which was my last round of Clomid. About a week and a half later I had a surprise period. It was a little shorter and not a heavy as usual but it was still a period so I started counting my days over.  I called my doctor and he set up an appointment with me in late September to reassess and see if we should switch to something else or just up my dose of Clomid. In the meantime I would just have a month off of the clomid but I was still to take the other medication and do my ovulation tests.  I half heartily (that is a word right!?!) took my ovulation tests and to my surprise got a positive on September 12^th. Honestly even though I had got the positive test I really didn’t think it would work so I didn’t put a lot of thought into it like I had in all the months before. I was just looking forward to my next appointment with my doctor where we would go from here. I also got excited to start acupuncture and see what that would do for me.

When I had my first acupuncture appointment I was already pregnant but didn’t know yet. Honestly even though I was already pregnant I still think it helped. I was on day 17 after ovulation but I had gone 20 days before then started hours after taking a test so to me day 17 was not that big of a deal. I also started cramping lightly the day before so I figured my period was on the way. I really enjoyed my first acupuncture appointment and if you want to you can read more about it in my last post. In the next 4 days I had continued to cramp more and more but I never started. Finally on Saturday, September 29^th I had had enough. I was over all the cramping and decided to take a test so I could finally just start my period and move on so we could try again. As I was waiting I really wasn’t very excited or anxious I just started getting dressed for the day and imagined the day when I would see that positive sign but I was sure this would not be that day. To my unexpected surprise that morning is when for the first time in my life I saw a positive pregnancy test! I was in shock. I just stared at it thinking this is too good to be true. It has to be my imagination. But it was not, it really was true and later that day I took two more just to be sure.

Still in shock I thought about how to tell Jeff. Throughout the years I had come up with lots of cute ways I could tell Jeff when the time finally came. Even though he had no idea I was taking the test, in that moment I could not wait, there was no way I could hold this in all day, and he was not planning on being home until after 10pm that night since he had a baseball trip. I had to tell him. I put the test in my back pocket and walked out to the room where he was watching TV and waiting for me to finish getting ready. I sat down next to him and said “So just as long as everything goes ok, in about 8 months our life is going to change in a big way” I took the test out of my back pocket to show him. My hand started shaking and I had to quickly set in on the table in front of us. He looked at the test, then back at me and said “seriously”? I shrugged my shoulders and said “that’s what it says”. He wrapped me in a huge hug as I finally let some tears of joy fall down my face. We kissed and just smiled at each other both in shock.

To be continued…

Change is in the Air

Last Tuesday I had my first Acupuncture appointment. I was really nervous not really knowing what to expect and how it would feel.  I’m not afraid of needles but it sill scary to think about a whole bunch of them being poked into your skin while you just lay there. Of course the work up was way worse than the actual experience. Actually it was very relaxing and I learned a lot of good information.

Since I am going for fertility acupuncture the first half an hour was going over all of my history, how long we’ve been trying, what have we done and what we a currently doing. She also looked at my tongue and talked about what I should and shouldn’t be eating. Of course she suggested I cut down on my dairy intake, what can I say I love cheese and milk, and of course my one coffee a day. I do like tea so she said that would be a much better option. I haven’t had a coffee since, and actually it’s been a lot easier than I thought it would be. Dairy on the other hand, well… that’s another story.   

She then did my acupuncture. Honestly it reminded me of getting a massage. Minus the massage. She dimed the lights, turned on some low relaxing music, had me lay on a heated table with a pillow under my knees. She inserted all the needles, which I did not feel at all, then put a heat lamp on my feet to keep them warm. She left the room and I just laid there with my eyes closed relaxing for about 20 minutes. It was very Zen and I'm sure I looked like this…

When she came back to remove the needles she brought me a book they give all their clients that are seeing them for infertility called Making Babies. It was very sweet and just gives me a bunch of ideas and suggest ways to naturally help your body conceive.  She also gave me some hand outs with good foods to eat that are known to help do this as well. Over all it was a very good experience and I am happy I decided to give it a try. Also it doesn’t hurt that insurance actually covers that, while they pay for NOTHING else related to infertility.

I have another acupuncture appointment later this week and I am excited to go back. I also have another doctor’s appointment coming up to discuss how things are going and if we want to bump up my clomid or switch to something else completely. So we will know more then. In the meantime it is all about staying positive, eating healthy, and treating myself right. I can do this. I must keep myself in the right state of mind. I hated how I felt before, and I will do everything I can not to go back to that. 13 is my lucky number so hopefully we will be blessed in 2013 with a baby. I can hope right!?! You never know with all these changes happening maybe our big change is coming...   

Not All Fun and Games

 

I know lately I have not been writing as much. If you have read my two previous blogs you know that Jeff and I have been crazy busy this summer. Also in June I promised to start posting about everything going on in our life. Don’t worry that’s not going to change and I promise, I have been a lot more content with our infertility journey. However, no matter my outlook infertility is still extremely hard and it is a daily struggle. For anyone who has not gone through infertility this is hard to imagine. Before Jeff and I started this battle I had no idea how much it can affect your life, seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY! I know this sounds extreme and quite frankly hard to believe, but it does. As I have said before and with almost all struggles in life some days are better than others. Since my epiphany in June I have really done well shifting my emotions and mental state into a more positive light. Now I have come to some cross roads and I’m not really sure where to go from here.

I have thought about it a lot and even though we have been trying for over 3 years, I’m not ready to do anything more, medically at least, then what we are doing now. I just don’t feel like I should force this on my body. There are so many more things we can try that honestly could work. A lot of them involve hundreds to thousands of dollars but even money aside I just feel uneasy about it. Some of it might be that we don’t have 10's of thousands just sitting around in a bank account screaming to be spent, but even though I can’t fully explain why, mostly it’s just that for some reason it doesn’t feel right. For now at least, I really don’t think we should go down that road.

I have found some other options that I do feel good about. Instead of doing anything more on the medical side of things, I think it is best if we focus on the emotional side for a while. Mostly I want to concentrate on stress management. I want to empower myself, and sync up both my mind and body. I am going to eat a better more balanced diet, drink way more water, and just take better general care of myself. It’s not like I am horrible at this but I could defiantly do better.  I have also found out some new information on Fertility Yoga that I want to try. Depending on what week in your cycle you are in they will have you do curtain poses that will help your body during that time. It is known to increase circulation to the reproductive organs, balance hormones and reduce stress. Also I am going to start acupuncture for fertility. It includes both acupuncture and herbal therapy. Between all of this I really think it will at least help calm my mind and defiantly help get me more centered. Even if it doesn’t help get me pregnant in will at least make me a little healthier.

Honestly I am not 100% sure but I’m pretty positive I have not cried about our situation in months. Even before my big break through. I no longer have the pain heat up in my chest or feel the twinge inside the pit of my stomach when I am in anyway exposed to babies or pregnant women. I won’t lie, I am still jealous but no longer do I feel the negative resentment I used to.  What I came to realize is who am I to decide if we deserve it just as much or more than they do.  I have no idea what their story is, how long they have been trying or how they became pregnant. Maybe they have been trying for 10 years and they are finally pregnant. Maybe they are a segregate for someone else who can’t have children.  Maybe they weren’t trying but the child will change their life for the better or have a huge effect on the world but wouldn’t have if born to a different family. Even in my situation stories like that have always warmed my heart and made me smile. I have no idea what is behind that door, so why have negative thoughts about it or let it get me down. Hopefully one day Jeff and I will be one of those happy stories.  

Summertime Bliss

As you all know Jeff and I went camping on the coast with his family for his birthday. We took a week off from work and finally got to take a vacation together! It was a lot of fun, and we appreciate all the effort his family put in to make this camping trip happen. Jeff and I have been together for just shy of 6 years and it was the first time we had ever gone camping before.

Monday, we took off work but just spent the day getting everything we needed together and lounging around the house. With all the craziness we have had this summer it was really nice to just have a laid back lazy day. We enjoyed it!

Tuesday, was Jeff’s 31^st birthday! (Yep, it’s true he’s oldJ) We spent the morning packing up the jeep then by the afternoon we had started our trek taking the ferry from Edmonds over the sound to Kingston. It was a beautiful day and the drive was gorgeous!

I know it rains a lot here but you can have all this wonderful, green scenery without a lot of rain! When we finally made our way over to Kalaloch, WA we set up camp and headed to the lodge for Jeff’s birthday dinner with the Family.

  Wednesday, we woke up and decided to move camp sites to be closer to where Jeff’s family was. (We had three reserved but only ended up using two). There was only one camp site between us and it was nice being so close. Eventually we wondered down to the beach and spent the day playing in the sand and soaking up the sun! Together!

 

Thursday, was spent more or less the same. Beach time, exploring the camp ground and good quality family time!

 

Friday, we packed up by early afternoon and slowly wondered home stopping by a couple of cool beaches along the way…

 

 

Over all it was a great trip. We enjoyed the time spent with our amazing family and finally squeezed in a vacation together!

 

 

Summer Time Madness

I know, I know, I'm so sorry for leaving you guys all hanging. Jeff and I have been just SO BUSY! Summer time, as it is for most people, has just been go go go for us. In the late part of June Jeff got to go to Florida again this year for a 12 day baseball trip. Last year I got to tag along but this year I was not able to. Instead I got the opportunity in July to take a 10 day trip with a good friend to Hawaii! We had a blast and I could never get enough of those beautiful sunny beaches!

While I was there I had to do something that I had never done before… Since the zip lining options on Oahu were very limited we decided on Parasailing! What a blast that was! Just a couple highlights…



I also enjoyed some hiking…

as well as some touring of the island...

I even might have found a new boyfriend. haha

and of course last but not least you know I enjoyed some delicious drinks!

Over all it was a wonderful much needed vacation. I had a lot of time to relax, de-stress, and both mentally and physically recharge.

Sadly as you probably figured out I am not pregnant yet. It sucks but as I promised in my last post I am content about it. I am really focusing on enjoying life and appreciating all of our blessings. We have a lot to be thankful for! What I am most thankful for is that Jeff and I have each other and even though we want more, just as long as we have each other that is all we really need. I promise we really do hang out with each other from time to time too. Here’s the proof… :)

We also have a 5 day long camping trip coming up in less than 2 weeks. Jeff and I are going with his family and it just happens to be during his birthday week. So we will be celebrating Jeff's 31st on the Washington coast! I promise to post pictures when we get back. I also will try my best to not let an entire month go by without keeping you all up to date with everything that's going on! Back to the madness I go...

Letting Go

I started this blog as a way for me to have an outlet for my feelings and vent about the trials of infertility. Also to help others struggling with the same thing, to let them know that they are not alone. Infertility is real and millions struggle with it daily. However this is no longer the only thing I am going to blog about. I will still talk about it and keep you involved with any and all updates but I will no longer be letting infertility control my life. I am tired of feeling bad for myself and having a negative outlook on a lot of things. I am more than just infertile.  I have a very blessed and active life. I like to laugh and have fun, enjoy everyone around me and see the positive in everything. This is the person that I am determined to be. From now on my blog will contain everything about our life, not just the sucky stuff.

This in no way means we are giving up. We will still be activity trying to conceive, following all of our doctors’ recommendations and most importantly living our life to the fullest. Trying to have a baby is no longer going to be all I think about. I refuse to let it bring me down any longer. It will happen if and when it is supposed to. This is easier said than done I know, and I’m sure at times it will still be hard but I need to just let go. They say when you relax is when it happens anyway right? Yes, I still want a baby just as much as I always have but I also want to enjoy my husband and our life together. I am extremely blessed. I have a great job with a fun and entertaining group of coworkers, an amazing group of friends, the most wonderful supportive family, and the best, most loving husband to share the rest of my life with.

As always I am more than willing to talk and be open with anyone about infertility and my experiences with it. So if you want to know just ask. The only difference is now I will not be focused on it. I get to enjoy my life and have fun again! We are going to soak up and enjoy the child-less life, until we are blessed with something different. We are going travel as much as we can and do whatever we want. I am going to be happy and content with what I have and with the people that are in my life. I am going to celebrate when others are expecting, and have a blast shopping and helping them plan for their new arrival! I am going to love hearing stories and looking at pictures of friends children. I am no longer going to let all this good pass me by.  So here is to letting go and opening the door to freedom from my infertility!

One Wish

I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple weeks now and still I’m not quite sure what to say or how to say it. I know my emotions are being put through the ringer right now, something I am really not used to. I am not used to caring so much or having emotions that I do feel affect me to the level they now do. Every feeling that I have now is magnified by 1000. Some good, most bad but they just eat away at me until I feel like I’m going to explode, which now only takes a day or two at most.  It is a big change to the way I usually operate and a total change to the personality I have always had. I am adapting and trying as hard as I can to hang on to what I have always known as simply, me.

Infertility is a hard thing for a lot of people to deal with as you can imagine girls tend to take it a little harder. I’m not saying guys don’t care, because I know they do and most care a lot. There is just something in breaded in us to want to reproduce and for girls it is a deep yearning for the need to become a mother. Obviously not all people have this; you can never really categorize everyone into one mold but for the most part this is how women are. Every woman I have ever known, children or no children, at one point have had that “baby itch.” For women with infertility issues, especially those who want children but don’t have them, Mother’s Day can be extremely hard, usually one the hardest days of the year. I am no exception to this; it is hard, as well as seeing a pregnant woman, a mother with her kids, being invited to a baby shower or many other things that can trigger my random upsetting emotions.  This last Mother’s Day, even with being on this wonderful medication (not), I actually did pretty good. I spent the day surrounded by amazing family and friends and of course what helped the most, my wonderful, incredible husband.

I know you have heard me say it a million times, I want to be a mother so bad, but what I want even more, more than anything I could ever want for myself, I want to be able to help make Jeff a dad. I want to be able to give this gift to him more than I have ever wanted anything in my life! It kills me that I have no ability to just make this happen. Especially when we decided three years ago we were more than ready to start this next journey in our lives. So for me, even harder than dealing with Mother’s Day, is going to be making it through Father’s Day.

 I have a great relationship with both of my parents. My mother and I have a pretty typical mother-daughter relationship. We spend a lot of time together doing mostly girly things, pedicures, cooking, crafts, going to tea, shopping and I can talk to her about anything. Even though I love my mother very much, I have always considered myself a huge daddy’s girl. There is a natural bond that he and I have that I cannot explain. Even though I have much more in common with my mom, naturally being a girl, there is just something about my dad’s and my relationship that cannot be trumped. He and I are so much alike, and a lot of my personality traits I got from him. He understands me, I understand him and I know he will always be completely honest and open with me and he always tells me what I need to hear. When anything has ever happened in my life where I truly feel hurt, alone, or just lost and confused there is no other person I would rather run to then my dad. All he has to do is simply wrap his arms around me and I know that somehow I will make it through. He is my ultimate protector, and no matter how old I am I will always be my Daddy’s little girl. This is the special one of a kind gift I want to give to Jeff. Until then my heart breaks at the thought of him not ever getting to experience that unbreakable bond that a father has with his children. I promise I will never give up trying to help make Jeff a dad, blood or not, in hopes that one day I will be able to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.